On March 15, 2017, us Dutchies get to go out and vote again.
And because the Netherlands is a parliamentary democracy - which means that the party (or coalition) with the most votes has the greatest say in parliament - the PLZ VOTE FOR US WE IZ DA BEST shit show is currently in full swing.
Here is an overview of the most important parties in the Dutch government in no particular order (the Tweede Kamer has a total of 150 seats):
- CDA (Christen Democratisch Appèl)
- Leader: Sybrand Buma
- Seats: 13
Christians, but not the in-your-face kind. More like diet Christians. Christians Light, if you will. Used to be the biggest gangsters in the Tweede Kamer (prap prap prap! Make some noize for Jeee-zus!), but are now mostly thought of in a "oh right, forgot about them" context. They're a bit old and stuffy, but they mean well. They're fries without salt. Sure, you'd eat them, but...meh.
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- PvdA (Partij van de Arbeid)
- Leader: Lodewijk Asscher
- Seats: 35
Made the Netherlands what it is today. Or let's say, what it used to be in the 80's and 90's: tolerant, progressive, liberal and social. They are responsible for the many welfare/social facilities/health benefits that are still in use today. After 9/11 however, right wing voices demanded something a little more conservative. They lost a lot of votes and haven't really recovered, although they still have quite a loyal constituency. After many different party leaders, most people are unsure of what they actually stand for, and feel like they're going along with whatever the most popular party is saying, in the hopes of being invited to the cool kid's table. Oh, we're going that way? Sure, that's fine. Oh..no..ok..the other way? Sure, no problem.
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- D66 (Democraten '66)
- Leader: Alexander Pechtold
- Seats: 12
Hey fellow youngsters! Hip to the hop! We have a GREAT day planned tomorrow, full of board games and fizzy drinks! Gosh golly, it's going to be swell! You know that one overly enthusiastic teacher in high school that tried real hard to get everyone pumped for a school trip, only to receive no more than some lukewarm applause and a well-aimed eraser? That's D66. They're there, basically. Like that painting in your house you never really look at, but would miss if someone were to suddenly remove it. They're often the first ones to protest against any bigotry or other shenanigans, which is probably why they're still fairly popular. Progressive! More EU! If we all work together, we're going to be fine! The world is your oyster! Opportunities for everyone!
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- DENK
- Leader: Tunahan Kuzu
- Seats: 2
Are you unique? Are you a very special snowflake? Do you think they should rename "nude" crayons because it's offensive to people who may have a different skin color? Do you think Turkish leader Erdogan is a swell guy?
What?
Sorry, ignore that last bit. Are you tired of having to constantly be offended by everything? Join us! Free participation trophies for everyone! Because it's not about winning: we all have value in our own unique way! We should all love each other. Except for the Israeli.
What?
Nothing, nothing. WHO'S AWESOME? YOU'RE AWESOME!
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- VVD (Volkspartij voor Vrijheid en Democratie)
- Leader: Mark Rutte (prime minister)
- Biggest party with 40 seats.
Ever wonder what it would look like if all of the shady, rich, white, business people started a political party? Wonder no more! Economics people! Very important! We're going to stick up for all you peasants...err...I mean people! Less taxes for everyone!
[whispered: "sir, say something about immigration too, it's a very trendy topic at the moment."] Oh, also, less immigration. Because they're expensive.
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- PVV (Partij voor de Vrijheid)
- Leader: Geert Wilders
- Seats: 12
IMMIGRUNTS! MUSLIMS! WEAR ALL GOIN TOO DIE! THEY AR COMMING TO RAPE OUR DOGS AND MAKE OUR HAMSTERS WEAR BURKAAS! NEXT WELL BEE FORCED TO EET HALLAL STROOPWAFELS!! WAAAHHRGGAARRBBLLLL!
ALSO WEAR NOT RASIST! YOUR ALL JUST BLIND TO THE TROOTH AND ARE BRAINWASHED BY THE MAINSTREEM MEDIA! #FAKENOOSE MAKE HOLLAND GRATE AGAIN!
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- 50Plus
- Leader: Jan Nagel
- Seats 2
Are you old? Join us, so we can be old together. We'll fight for things like: more toilets in trains and people to help us understand the interweb. Have you seen this funny picture of a cat?
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- SP (Socialistische Partij)
- Leader: Emile Roemer
- Seats: 15
Against "the man", whoever that may be. Anti-EU and anti-globalization. The types that will launch a passionate monologue about how their fathers, and their father's fathers, were hardworking cheese makers/windmill builders/clog scrubbers goddammit! Average Joe! We're just like you! Please vote for us!
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- GL (GroenLinks)
- Leader: Jesse Klaver
- Seats: 4
Hey guys! You like trees? Let's all hug some and, like, be happy dudes. The world is like, totally dying and stuff, so we need to treat this great planet with some more respect. Also, like, what's the deal with borders man? We should all be able to live wherever we want. Yeah, you can totally crash on my couch, man.
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- CU (ChristenUnie)
- Leader: Gert-Jan Segers
- Seats: 5
Oh look, more Christians. These are the medium-rare Christians, who still think it's the 1960's. Think pristine neighborhood, blonde girl with curly pigtails helping mother prepare dinner in the kitchen, little boy playing with his wooden train set on the carpet in the living room. Finally father arrives home after a long, hard day at work. Daddy! "Hey there, champ!", father replies, and ruffles his hair. He loosens his tie and walks into the kitchen, where he kisses his wife and asks how his little princess is doing. "We're making meatloaf daddy! Your favorite!" After dinner, when the kids are tucked in bed and mother has cleaned the table and done the dishes while father smoked his pipe, he takes his wife in his arms and sighs: "Aren't you glad there aren't any abortions, fags or foreigners in this neighborhood, darling?"
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- PvdD (Partij voor de Dieren)
- Leader: Marianne Thieme
- Seats: 2
Hey! Hey you! Are you enjoying that burger, you murderer? I bet you are! Vote for us, and we'll send you the book "101 gluten-free quinoa recipes for one" for free!
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- SGP (Staatkundig Gereformeerde Partij)
- Leader: Kees van der Staaij
- Seats: 3
Do you have a minute to talk about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ? No? Well, you're going to hell, but have a blessed day!
*tips his straw hat, gets on his horse and gallops back to 1865*
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- Artikel 1
- Leader: Sylvana Simons
- Seats: 0
If you're against Black Pete, former music television presenter Sylvana Simons will welcome you warmly to her brand new gig in The Hague. And if you're not against Black Pete then you must repent, you filthy racist! Come on snowflakes, gays, trannies, POC, lets take The Hague!
Het is alleen een echte hetze als het uit Hetzerath komt, anders is het gewoon sprankelende ophef.