Voor een internationale dancesite heb ik vandaag een 'speciale' reportage over Amsterdam gemaakt
Since the last tour of Amsterdam i've done for this great site the number of you that visited us increased with 250%. So i've decided our little city could use another boost and went on the streets with my camera to give you all an new impression of what makes Amsterdam so special. You can
click the thumbnails for a larger photo
The Rembrandt House. The famous painter from the 17th century lived in this house not far from the Waterloo Square flea market. Now that was not a smart idea. Because Rembrandt had to scratch at least once every ten minutes his paintings got pretty fucked up and wasn't able to sell them anymore. In a final desperate move he cut off his ear and sold it to the dogfood industry so he could pay the rent.
An Amsterdam bum. The city is full of junkies and alcoholics. You know Holland invented Big Brother? Well all these people have starred in that show and are now living on the streets. Yes, that show has ruined Dutch society but also helped the Gin and Vodka industry get back on it's feet. Remember not to feed the bum after midnight. He'll eat your fingers too.
Cannabis College. Dutch people can roll a joint in a tornado or tsunami. Where did they get those skills? Well, Dutch people all visit Cannabis College when they reach the age of 12. We have a student exchange program with Curacao's School of Cocaine.
Don't touch the plants. It's illegal to touch plants if you haven't washed your hands. Weed plants are really sensitive and hurting one might result in the Death Penalty. Dutch law permits killing those who molest the holy green plant, so beware if you decide to visit Holland.
The Old Church. The Old Church is located in the middle of the Red Light District. But why is that? Well, there is a large selection of hookers available such as for example Russian, Nigerian and Chinese women. But priests are not interested in those prostitutes. In the basement of the Church young boys are selling their bodies and the priests are flying over from all over the world to get layed. Nobody will suspect anything and in the end everyone is happy.
Taking a piss. Letting your yellow body fluids loose on the streets will result in a 50 Euro fine. These ugly green urinoirs smell worse than French unionsoup with garlicbread and given the fact bums also shit in them only increases the hell Dutch people have to go through. Visit one if you want a free scary experience.
Febo. Febo is a chain of snackbars in which you can 'eat from the wall'. The 'kroket' and 'frikandel' are most popular. If you are a real man/woman you need to try this food. It's meat, but don't ask us where it came from. Brains, eyes, tail, kidney we just don't know and we don't care. It's cheap and open almost 24/7.
Canals. Canals were designed for boats carrying goods and people 400 years ago. In all these years people dumped everything in the water from broken cups to nuclear waste. So, if you decide to go for a swim choose one of our fine swimming pools and not this water. Unfortunately drunk Englishmen never listen. Desinfecting them usually takes 3 weeks and 5 gallons of bleach.
Dogs. Dutch people love their dogs. They do shit everywhere but we don't mind that. In Amsterdam we wear snowboots to protect us from the dogshit and it helps. In the summer we take our dogs to the park so they can chase foreigners on rollerskates. Watching them run for their lives makes us smile, especially while drinking a Heineken.
Cafes. In Amsterdam there's a bar on every corner of the street. Our most popular brews are Heineken and Amstel, both from the same company. Remember that Dutchies only pay 50 cents and foreigners 3 Euro. So learn some Dutch words and try to fool the bartender. Best words to start with are: 'neuken', 'klootzak', 'hoer' and 'flikker'
Wooden buildings. Talking about bars: Amsterdam has 2 wooden buildings that survived city fires in the middle ages. This one happens to be a bar. That's pretty amazing since most fires got started by drunk Englishmen. Anyhow, not many people know this is in fact the oldest building in Amsterdam but you do now.
Smartshops. Magic Mushroom are hot, especially Americans eat tons of them when they visit Amsterdam. So they jump out the window, start conversating with a tram or take a bite from a tree. This hurts, so be carefull.
Hookers. This man is about to get laid. The price for a quick fuck is around 50 Euro. Of course transsexuals and bearded ladies are a bit cheaper but not really recommended. Remember they don't kiss, not even for 500 Euro but they'll lick your asshole for just ten Euro extra.
Canalboats. What better place to look at Amsterdam? Yes, the canals offer the best view possible. Boats can be rented for a few Euro's and have the latest comfort and security equipment such as knifes (to throw at Germans on the streets), mines (to throw at other canalboats) and off course digital TV with 400 porn channels.
Yellow bikes. You hate rules? Go on a yellow bike tour. Bikes are king in Amsterdam. If you hit a car, it's his fault. If your bike has a flat tire, just steal another one. Driving on the sidewalk is no problem, pedestrians have no rights. Yes, it's that simple.
Dutch women. Dutch women are tall, strong and intelligent. Don't mess with them. Buying them flowers won't work and even driving a Porsche doesn't impress them. No, you have to show you understand she's the boss. It might be hard in the beginning but you'll love it in bed.
French people. French people love Amsterdam. Try to avoid them cause they're broke, ugly and stupid. Just look at them sitting there eating sandwiches they found in a trash can. That's just awful.
Anne Frank. Anne Frank is Amsterdam's best known girl. If you like waiting, go visit the museum at the Prinsengracht. If you're lucky the line is just 3 hours long. In the mean while you can enjoy pickpockets stealing money from French people.
Pigeons. They shit on your car, eat your Whopper, attack your baby and make annoying noises. And that's just the Germans who love to make pictures of these birds. They are really everywhere. Protect yourself by eating hash brownies. You can fly and chase them with a gun.
Kick a bum. Kicking bums when they're sleeping is Amsterdam's most fun experience. Kick them in the nuts, throw a bucket of canal water in their face or just paint their face. It's all legal so don't hesitate to be creative.
Hell's Angels. The European Headquarters are in Amsterdam. Avoid bikers unless you want a good cocaine deal. Never ever touch a deserted bike cause you just won't survive. These bikers have eyes in the back of their heads, that also explains why many of them wear German army helmets.
Trams. Yes, this guy is running through a red light. That's prefectly normal as you already know. Trams are more dangerous given their weight and speed. It's ok to ride a tram but once you're on the streets try to keep away from them. Tram drivers love to hit foreign people, the one who hurts the most in a month gets a free Febo all-you-can-eat-pass.
Taxi. New taxi's are expensive so most of them are pretty old. This one happens to be one of the newer models. A ride is pretty cheap as long as you won't make comments about the horse's ass. Remember the driver sleeps with his horse and often married her. Would you want your lady to be insulted?
Grimreaper. Don't buy drugs on the streets. Dealers mostly look like this. The blade is used to cut cocaine.
Famous people. Celebrities love Amsterdam. Brat Pitt, Mick Jagger, Bono, Bill Clinton... they all love the relaxed vibes of this city. Of course it's the hookers (Bill) and drugs (Mick) that make them return every time. You know the Mask used to be orange, just like his clothes? Well, smoking too much weed made him green. He doesn't seem to mind though.
Tomatos. Dutch people love to eat tomatos. Some women are really addicted and eat 2 kilo's a day. So if you fancy a girl looking like this take her to a restaurant and buy her a creamy tomatosoup. Wanna bet you're going to be lucky?
The evil three. In Amsterdam Burger King, Febo and McDonalds dominate the streets. Of course eating kebab is an option too, but staff probably mixed garlic sauce with semen. So, it's up to you what to eat. What do you say? Looking for something better? Hahahahhahaa
Burger King. Yes, I recommend them over the others. Why? Well the toilets are clean and there's no annoying clown harrassing your ass. Yes, they have plasma screens too.
More bikes. Bikes are everywhere. Amsterdam has 750000 inhabitants and one million bikes. Thousands of bikes get stolen every day. You want one? A stolen bike can be obtained for a junkie for ten Euro.
Madam Tussauds. Don't go there. Just don't. They have the Tiest0r and many other overrated celebrities. If you like wax, get a thai sexmassage instead.
Dam Square. Avoid this place. Not only there's 90% chance to be robbed, a 80% chance to be molested by a pigeon but also a 95% chance some guy will offer you fake/bad drugs. Don't be a fool, get to know the real Amsterdam a few hundred meters westbound.
The Cockring. Amsterdam's most dangerous club. If you like it up the butt, this is your save haven. Darkrooms (and cocks) in all sizes are available
Red Light District. Again? Yes again. Since this is the best location to enjoy Italian men waiting in line to get laid and friends chearing at them. The Red Light Disctrict is also the oldest part of town, so if you enjoy architecture you can watch the inside of a monument and have a blowjob at the same time.
Coffeeshops. Coffeeshops are everywhere. It's Amsterdam's main source of income. Never ever ask for the strongest stuff since an ambulance will need at least ten minutes to arrive. Better get a pre-rolled joint first.
Sex shops. Well, anything from animal porn to grandma sex can be found here. Don't hesitate to ask for recommendations. Most sex shops offer a peep show too. Why they call it that way? You'll find out just before getting some tissues.
Weed. If you're gonna smoke some smoke this one. Ganja, reefer, hash whatever. Prices from 5 Euro up to 50 for the best shit ever. Get it a coffeeshop, but remember coffee might be hard to get at most of them.
Hummer. The Hummer H4 can only be bought in Amsterdam and it looks like this. Pimp it with chrome alloys, spoilers and custom paint.
Suicide. Many tourists feel bad about going home and decide to kill themselves. This tower is the place to be, climbing the tower is free and the cemetary at the bottom has enough space left. Think twice before you decide to really do this.
Bridges. Bridges are actually secret labs for producing XTC. Holland is the world's main exporter of designer drugs and this is where they make it. The hidden door is located just under the waterline.
Locks. You need at least 3 big solid steal locks to protect your bike. As a bonus they can be used to hit people trying to steal your money.
Roads. Roads in Amsterdam are fine. A few tunnels will get you to the other side of town. Remember Dutch police likes radar and laser, so you might end up with a big fine. Drugs and driving is not illegal, but beware your speed. Obviously you'll be doing ten miles per hour being stoned as hell. No problems.
Police. Police have no rights. Drugs and prostitution are allowed. Just laugh at them when you see them. Ok, they might come in handy when you're lost. Just look silly and they'll drive you to your hotel.
Housing. It's hard to get a house in Holland. So they put students in containers and prisoners get a 5 star treatment. Yes, that's the way it goes. Well, these students can't complain since they have a nice few and a class A location at an old shipyard.
Docklands. At this old shipyard is one of the best party locations of Amsterdam. ID&T is moving here in the near future. Yes, the ground is poluted with oil and chemicals. But what the heck, it's underground what people want.
Titanic. This is where the Titanic was build. Yes it's Amsterdam's best kept secret. Yes, it hit an iceberg. So we blame the English and they started believing it themselves. The ferry to the north of Amsterdam is free, you might want to try it. Great view, but don't get off. Amsterdam-Noord is one big lunatic asylum. So.. carefull.
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Voor 4% gewijzigd door
pvdplanet op 16-10-2005 21:13
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