Misc. jokes :-)

[BezurK]

Ik was zojuist ff de linux format aan't lezen, en kwam ik voorin bij de lezerspost een nogal leuk grapje/mopje tegen, dus ik dacht dat het leuk zou zijn om em met jullie te delen


UNIX AIRLINES
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they
come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane
together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane
they are supposed to be building...

AIR DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and
let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push
again, jump on again, and so on...

MAC AIRLINES
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look
and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details,
you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, and everything
will be done for you without you ever having to know, so just shut up...

WINDOWS AIR
The terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage
check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the
air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever...

WINDOWS NT AIR
Just like windows, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out
all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes...

OS X AIRLINES
Fancy and colourful terminal with aqua-coloured ticket counters and happy-
coloured terminal-crew. After you get in, you find out that you are actually
flying AirBSD, but you paid for it and everyone else is flying for free...

LINUX AIR
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their
own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways
themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the
ticket, but you can also download and print it yourself. When you board
the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the
seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable
the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight
meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about
the great trip, but all they can say is:
"You had to do WHAT with the seat????!!!"

[alt-92]

ROTFL

[Verwijderd]

If Operating Systems Were Beers

DOS Beer
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

Mac Beer
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer
The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that it's proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.

--
Ik denk dat dit topic zo in de HK verdwijnt...

[Verwijderd]

*heh* nix beter dan een stel OS moppen op de vroege zondagochtend

/me gaat met een lach op zijn gezicht verder met het spelen met UNIX )))

[Verwijderd]

Ghehehe
/me kende ze al, maar altijd leuk om weer een keer te lezen

Toch wel geinig die vooroordelen zo af en toe

[Valium]

Nog een mopje wat "ongeveer" past.

Somebody left half a glass of milk next to the keyboard. The reaction?

Optimist: The glass is half full.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Futurist: The milk's in the wrong half of the glass.
Pascal programmers: Well, what type of milk is it?
C programmers: No thanks, I drink straight from the jug.
Assembly programmers: No thanks, I drink straight from the cow.
Basic programmers: No thanks, I'm still nursing.
MIS: I'll drink it if you can give me until next year.
Fuzzy logic guys: I may or may not have drunk some part of that milk.
Prolog programmers: I know I drank it-- just don't ask me how.
Non-procedural language programmers: I drank it when nobody was looking.
UI designers: What's that crap in my glass?
Pentium users: I drank Glass * 4.99999... but don't hold me to that.
Windows users: Where's my straw?
Mac users: Where's my pump?
UNIX users: Nah.. too easy.
Shareware game author: That glass is free; the next one you have to pay for.
Security consultant: Where'd the rest of the milk go?
CIA: What makes you think that's milk?
NSA: We know what that really is.
Copy protection crazies: Somebody drank half my milk and didn't pay for it!
Free Software Foundation: That milk is the cow's contribution to all mankind.
Schroedinger: That damned cat got into the milk again!
Bill Gates: Not enough market share to be Microsoft Milk.
Apple Computer: You guys really oughta be drinking Perrier.
IBM: Rent this glass from us and we'll fill it with something we know is good for you.
IRS: Thanks for getting your milk withholding correct this year.
National news media: Hey, we wanted OJ!

[BezurK]

Hehehe, die's grappig

[Verwijderd]

We zullen hier ook eens proberen een nuttige bijdrage te leveren.

Op een congres gaan 3 mannen naar het WC. Een Microsoft designer, een Intel designer en een Linux programmeur. De microsoft designer is eerst klaar en wast zijn handen en gebruikt 30 papieren doekjes en droogt zijn handen hiermee grondig af en zegt: Bij microsoft hebben ze ons geleerd grondig te zijn. Hierna komt de Intel designer en wast zijn handen en droogt zijn handen grondig af met 1 papieren doekje en benuttigt hiervoor elk stukje van het papieren doekje en zegt: Bij intel hebben ze ons geleerd grondig en efficient te zijn. Hierna komt de Linux programmeur en deze wandelt gewoon richting de deur. De Microsoft designer en Intel designer kijken beide verbaasd en net als hij de deur openduwt roept hij nog: Wij, Linux programmeurs, pissen niet op onze handen !!!

[deadinspace]

Oh, well... niet helemaal in de lijn van de eerste post, maar toch leuk:

2 verhaaltjes op http://www.justpasha.f2s.com/folk/

De beste programmeertaal in de wereld: http://www.muppetlabs.com/~breadbox/intercal-man/home.html

En natuurlijk 2 dingen die je moet kennen als (aanstaande) computernerd :
http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard.html
http://www.rinkworks.com/stupid/

[BasieP]

die is kewl!

[Neejoh]

* Neejoh dacht dat de plotselinge pijn in zijn buik kwam van het uitgaan, maar zou ook wel kunnen zijn van het laggen nu

[Verwijderd]

Top 15 Things People Think the '95' in 'Windows98' Really Stands For
15. The 95 stands for average CPH: Crash Per Hour.
14. Bill Gates' age when it ships.
13. The number of days until Gates tries to sell you a newer OS.
12. The required number of megabytes of RAM to run at useable speed.
11. The percentage that will be complete on the shipping date.
10. The number of floppies it will ship in.
9. The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.
8. The number of megabytes of hard disk space required.
7. The number of pages in the EASY-INSTALL version of the manual.
6. The percentage of existing windoze programs that won't run in the new OS.
5. The number of minutes to install.
4. The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.
3. The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade.
2. The number of MHz required for the OS to run.
1. The year it was due to ship.

[Verwijderd]

Is Windows a Virus?
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and
efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus.
It's a bug.

[Verwijderd]

"Star Trek Lost Episodes" Transcript
]

(Picard) "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

(Geordi)"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

(Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.)

(Riker looks puzzled.) "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

(Data turns to answer.) "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

(Picard) "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

(Data) "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

(Picard) "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

(Data) "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."

(Geordi) "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

(Picard) "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."

(Data) "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

(Riker) "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

(Geordi, excited) "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"

(Picard) "Data, what does your scanners show?"

(Data) "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

(Picard) "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

(Riker) "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"

(Geordi) "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

(Picard) "How much time will that buy us ?"

(Data) "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."

(Geordi) "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

(Picard) "Identify."

(Data) "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"

(Over the speakers) "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"

(Data) "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

(Picard) "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

(Riker) "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!"

(Data) "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"

(Riker and Picard together horrified) "Lawyers !!"

(Geordi) "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

(Data) "True, but apparently some must have survived."

(Riker) "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

(Data) "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape' - it often proves fatal."

(Riker) "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"

(Picard) "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that."

[Verwijderd]

Windows95 Source Code
Warning: do not compile; unpredictable results

Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE ***
Project: Version - Windows 95

Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):

#include
#include
#include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include /* For the court of law */

#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version

void main()
{
if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ripe;
say("It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware=TRUE;
break;
}
}
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say("Yes it will work");
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
pretend(there_is_no_problem);
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
" the 32 bits architecture");
inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
"'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
everyone");
register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
when(time_is_ripe)
{
arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
{
order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
release (journalist);
}
}
break;
}
while (vapourware)
{
introduction_date++; /* Delay */
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
}
release(beta_version)
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
{
bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);
if (customers_report_installation_problems)
{
say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
{
ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this
bastard");
}
}
if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
{
divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);
wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
if (boobies_start_to_hang)

dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
}
if (there_is_another_company)
{
steal(their_ideas);
accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
buy_out(other_company);
}
}
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at
us */
order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
}


void bugfix(void)
{
charge (a_lot_of_money)
if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
if (still_complaints)
{
ignore(customer);
register(customer, big_Bill_book);
/* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
}

}

[Verwijderd]

Undocumented Error Codes
The following is a list of undocumented Windows 95 error codes which somehow got overlooked when printing the documentation.



WinErr 001: Windows loaded - System in danger
WinErr 002: No Error - Yet
WinErr 003: Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
WinErr 004: Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
WinErr 005: Multitasking attempted - System confused
WinErr 006: Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
WinErr 007: System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
WinErr 008: Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
WinErr 009: Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened
WinErr 00A: Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
WinErr 00B: Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB
WinErr 00C: Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!
WinErr 00D: Window closed - Do not look outside
WinErr 00E: Window open - Do not look inside
WinErr 00F: Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
WinErr 010: Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
WinErr 011: Window open - Do not look outside
WinErr 012: Window closed - Do not look inside
WinErr 013: Unexpected error - Huh ?
WinErr 014: Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
WinErr 018: Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old Windows licence is not valid anymore.
WinErr 019: User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
WinErr 01A: Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.
WinErr 01B: Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.
WinErr 01C: Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
WinErr 01D: System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
WinErr 01E: Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
WinErr 01F: Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
WinErr 020: Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.
WinErr 042: Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.
WinErr 079: Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
WinErr 103: Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.
WinErr 678: This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
WinErr 683: Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.
WinErr 815: Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available

[Verwijderd]

Top 20 Ways Microsoft Would Change The Auto Industry
20. The radio would be computerized, but you'd need to install 64 Meg of RAM, a new sound card, a game card, a new video driver, a CD drive, and type C:\radio\talk\rush*.* to get it to play.
19. The entire engine wouldn't be in the bay at once, and the car would have to keep stopping and starting to load in the relevant parts.

18. The speedometer would read 70 even though you are only doing 50.

17. You would have to have a full service every 500 miles.

16. Your car would refuse to start with a message "Abort, Retry, Fail?"

15. For some reason the engine controller would need a 1G hard disc and would take 5 minutes to boot up.

14. The steering wheel would be replaced with a mouse and you'd need to memorize the keyboard short-cut for "Brake".

13. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year- instead of before it.

12. They wouldn't build their own engines but form a cartel with their engine supplier. The latest engine would have 16 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it. There would be an "Engium Pro" with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads.

11. The air bag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size.

9. We would all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.

8. The U.S. government would be forced to rebuild all of the roads for Microsoft cars; they will drive on the old roads, but they run very slowly.

7. The oil, alternator, gas and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single 'General Car Fault' warning light.

6. Sun MotorSystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable and five times as fast, but would run on only 5% of the roads.

5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.

4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car95 or CarNT -- but then you would have to buy ten more seats and a new engine.

3. Occasionally, your car would die for NO apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal.

3a. Occaionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this, too.

2. Every time the lines of the road were repainted, you would have to buy a new car.

1. People would get excited about the new features of the latest Microsoft cars, forgetting that these same features had been available from other car makers for years.

[Verwijderd]

Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98

A Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 (C), the latest version of the world's #1 computer operating system from Microsoft. Before using your new software, please take the time to read these instructions carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the terms of the limited warranty.

Windows 98 (C) represents a significant technological improvement over Microsoft's previous operating system, Windows 95 (C). You'll notice immediately that "98" is a larger number than "95," a better than 3 percent increase. But that's not all. Windows 98 (C) contains many features not found in Windows 95 (C), or in any competing computer operating system, if there were any. Among the improvements: faster storing and retrieving of files (not in all models), enhanced "Caps Lock" and back-space functionality, smoother handling, less knocking and pinging, an easy-to-follow 720-page User's Guide, and rugged weather-resistant shrink wrap around the box. Most important, Windows 98 (C) offers superior compatibility with all existing Microsoft products. We're betting that you'll never use another company's software again.

Windows 98 (C) comes factory-loaded with the latest version of Microsoft Explorer, the world's most popular Internet browser. And despite what you may have heard from the U.S. Department of Justice, Windows 98 (C) offers you the freedom to select the Internet browser of your choice, whether it's the one produced by the world's largest and most trusted software producer, or by a smaller company that will either go out of business or become part of the Microsoft family.

Configuring Windows 98 (C) to use a browser other than Microsoft Explorer is easy. Simply open the "Options" folder, click on the "time bomb" icon, and select "Load Inferior Browser." A dialog box will ask "Are you sure?" Click "yes." This question may be asked several more times in different ways; just keep clicking "yes." Eventually, the time-bomb icon will enlarge to fill the entire screen, signifying that the browser is being loaded. You'll know the browser is fully loaded when the fuse on the time bomb "runs out" and the screen "explodes." If at any time after installation you become disappointed with the slow speed and frequent data loss associated with other browsers, simply tap the space bar on your keyboard. Microsoft Explorer will automatically be re-installed--permanently.

Windows 98 (C) also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the "Year 2000" computer problem. As you may know, most computers store the current year as a two-digit number and, as a result, many will mistake the year 2000 for 1900. Windows 98 (C) solves the problem by storing the year as a four-digit number and, in theory, you won't have to upgrade this part of the operating system until the year 10000. However, the extra memory required to record the year in four digits has prompted a few minor changes in the software's internal calendar. Henceforth, Saturday and Sunday will be stored as single day, known as "Satsun," and the month of June will be replaced by two 15-day months called "Bill" and "Melissa."

Please also take the time to complete the online registration form. It only takes a few minutes and will help us identify the key software problems our customers want addressed. Be assured that none of the information you provide, whether it's your Social Security number, bank records, fingerprints, retina scan or sexual history, will be shared with any outside company not already designated as a Microsoft DataShare partner.

We've done our best to make using Windows 98 (C) as trouble-free as possible=2E We want to hear from you if you're having any problems at all with your software. Simply call our toll-free Helpline and follow the recorded instructions carefully. (The Helpline is open every day but Satsun, and is closed for the entire month of Bill.)

If we don't hear from you, we'll assume your software is working perfectly, and an electronic message to that effect will be forwarded to the Justice Department. We'll also send, in your name, a letter to the editor of your hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that American consumers want software designed by companies that are free to innovate, not by government bureaucrats.

Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98 (C).
Male Friend Needs Technical Support

[Verwijderd]

Can you please advise me. I'm having some problems. I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 all along as my primary application, and all the girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if you run girlfriend in background mode with the sound turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said that I probably didn't have enough cache to run girlfriend 2.0, and that eventually it would require a Token ring to run properly. He was right --- as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it gave me a virus. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to girlfriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system! Then I tried to run GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature that I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of girlfriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions! The version I have right now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of girlfriend, it is written in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented". A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did. But soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a "huge resource hog". It has taken up all of his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife 1.0 is that it came bundled with FreeSexPlus 1.0. Well, it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreesexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although -he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature that he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself, Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway due to insufficient resources. Can you help??

[Verwijderd]

That's all for now folks LOL
Enjoy

[R4NCOR]

VET KOEL! :):) Echt leuk...

* R4NCOR thanks u all.

[pimlie]

Ik vind de "The Bastard Operator from Hell" tot nu toe toch wel de beste. Ech lachuh geblase!

[zyberteq]

Hier is een strip:

GPF Comics - Ubersoft vs. GPF Software

is eerste pagina van ongeveer 6

[deadinspace]

Op zondag 09 september 2001 22:57 schreef ZyberTEQ het volgende:
Hier is een strip:

GPF Comics - Ubersoft vs. GPF Software

is eerste pagina van ongeveer 6

Die strip is best grappig

2 zielige PC's is niet leuk

Wat noem jij zielige PCs ?

[RG]

Dit vind ik nog altijd heel erg cool. Daarom gebruik ik ook nooit Word:







En de hidden opties van Windows:

[Verwijderd]

code:

Windows 98 source code 

/* 
TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code 
Project: DESI(tm) 
Projected release-date: Summer 1998 
*/ 

#include "copyright_part1.h"  // file too large for compiler, must be split.
#include "copyright_part2.h" 
#include "copyright_part3.h" 
#include "Trademarks.h" 
#include "win2.h" 
#include "win31.h" 
#include "win95.h" 
#include "evenmore.h" 
#include "oldstuff.h" 
#include "billrulz.h" 

#define INSTALL = HARD 

char make_prog_look_big[1600000]; 

void main() 
{ 
    while( !CRASHED() ) 
    { 

    display_copyright_message(); 
    display_bill_rules_message(); 
    do_nothing_loop(); 

    if(first_time_installation) 
    { 
        make_swapfile( MEGABYTES, 250 ); 
        do_nothing_loop(); 
        totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system(); 
        search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2(); 
        hang_system(); 
    } 

    write_something(anything); 
    display_copyright_message(); 
    do_nothing_loop(); 
    do_some_stuff(); 
    display_copyright_message(); 

    if(still_not_crashed) 
    { 
        display_copyright_message(); 
        do_nothing_loop(); 
        basically_run_windows_3.1(); 
        do_nothing_loop(); 
        do_nothing_loop(); 
    } 
} 

if( detect_cache() ) 
    disable_cache(); 
else
    fill_ram();

if( fast_cpu() ) 
{ 
    set_wait_states(lots); 
    set_mouse(speed, very_slow); 
    set_mouse(action, jumpy); 
    set_mouse(reaction, sometimes); 
    sleep(100);
} 

/* printf("Welcome to Windows !\nThe fastest and most reliable DOS Shell ever!"); */ 
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 2.0\nThe fastest and most reliable DOS Shell ever!"); */ 
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.0\nThe fastest and most reliable DOS Shell ever!"); */ 
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.1\nThe fastest and most reliable DOS Shell ever!"); */ 
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11\nThe fastest and most reliable DOS Shell ever!"); */ 
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 95\nThe fastest and most reliable Operating system ever!"); */ 
printf("Welcome to Windows 98\nAn operating system."); 

if( system_ok() ) 
    crash(to_dos_prompt); 
else 
    system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE); 

while(something) 
{ 
    sleep(5); 
    get_user_input(); 
    sleep(5); 
    act_on_user_input(); 
    sleep(5); 
} 

create_general_protection_fault(); 
}

[Verwijderd]

Diessal heel oud, kreeg ik laatst zelfs al als forward mailtje....

[Verwijderd]

Op maandag 10 september 2001 14:01 schreef ceidhof het volgende:
Diessal heel oud, kreeg ik laatst zelfs al als forward mailtje....

Er zijn wel meerdere oude grappen in dit topic, maar ze blijven leuk.

[Super_ik]

wel een hoop lezen op de vroege ochtend. wel leuk.


haha allemaal windows in de nos

[Verwijderd]

Ja lach'n ofnie dan

[Verwijderd]

Nou ik denk dat je de eerste paar weken grappen over vliegtuigen wel kan vergeten

[Apache]

Op woensdag 12 september 2001 10:47 schreef ceidhof het volgende:
Nou ik denk dat je de eerste paar weken grappen over vliegtuigen wel kan vergeten

idd, toen ik de titel las d8 ik er meteen aan en vroeg ik met af wat deze in NOS deed, maar deze zijn allemaal erg grappig

[Neejoh]

Nee, inderdaad kun je die grapjes nu ff beter laten denkik. Al blijven ze wel leuk _{wegen respect redenen nu dus even niet}

Maar de rest over het computerland is altijd welkom

[Sequence]

Op donderdag 13 september 2001 19:58 schreef Neejoh het volgende:
Nee, inderdaad kun je die grapjes nu ff beter laten denkik. Al blijven ze wel leuk _{wegen respect redenen nu dus even niet}

Maar de rest over het computerland is altijd welkom

echt wel tof dat je dit topic nog een keer omhoog haalt

[BezurK]

Yeah, alsof ik helderziend ben ofzo en de ramp(en) van eergister zag aankomen vorige week
Maar de grappen blijven leuk, alleen topic naam is beetje lullig/misleidend.......

[Sequence]

Op donderdag 13 september 2001 20:13 schreef BezurK het volgende:
Yeah, alsof ik helderziend ben ofzo en de ramp(en) van eergister zag aankomen vorige week
Maar de grappen blijven leuk, alleen topic naam is beetje lullig/misleidend.......

was ook niet op jou gericht, normaal is dit best leuk, maar laat zo'n topic op momenten als dit gewoon wegzakken.. en dat Neejoh het topic na 36 uur nog een keer omhoog moet schoppen is een beetje jammer!

[Arno]

ik sluit deze draad uit respect voor de duizenden overledenen uit amerika

[Jordi]

Sorry collega, maar dat vind ik dus niet nodig... topictitel aangepast en weer geopend

[Valium]

Vind ik ook. Dit topic was al ver voor de Ramp gepost.

De titel was misschien ongelukkig. Maar het heeft er duidelijk niets mee te maken. Sluiten uit medeleven is in dit geval misplaatst denk ik.

[NiPeng]

#include "copyright_part1.h" // file too large for compiler, must be split.
#include "copyright_part2.h"
#include "copyright_part3.h"

LOL
Erg sterk.

Ik ben het trouwens eens met Jotti.

[Verwijderd]

Ok alsie weer geopend is: RFC1149.

[Verwijderd]

Ze zijn errug goed

/me heeft weer wat te lachen op een vroege koffieloze ochtend

[Mx. Alba]

Op donderdag 13 september 2001 20:33 schreef Traag het volgende:
ik sluit deze draad uit respect voor de duizenden overledenen uit amerika

Kijk, ik snap heel goed dat dat daar allemaal erg is enzo, te meer daar mijn zusje op het moment in Pakistan is, en dus heel dicht op het andere eind van het verhaal zit. Maar dat is geen reden om helemaal geen lol meer te hebben. Er is geen algeheel verbod op humor ofzo omdat er zoiets gebeurt...

Ook toen hier die vuurwerkexplosie was vond ik het al zo vreemd. Meteen werden alle concerten enzo afgelast. Ook bijvoorbeeld een bluesconcert in een cafe. Dat snap ik niet. Dat is het werk van die musici. Ze kunnen wat voor die mensen doen door door middel van hun muziek hun aandacht even van het gebeurde af te leiden, en die mogelijkheid wordt hen (zowel de musici als de mensen die er baat bij zouden kunnen hebben) ontnomen.

Als je niet naar een concert wilt, dan ga je toch gewoon niet? Als je geen grappen wilt zien, lees je zo'n thread toch gewoon niet? Maar ga niet jouw moraal op anderen opleggen alsjeblieft.

En dan terug naar de thread...

Who trusts a machine controlled by a mouse?

If debugging is the art of removing bugs, then programming must be the art of inserting them.

F U CN NDRSTND THS U CN GT A GD JB N CMPTRPRGRMMNG

Who is General Failure, and why the hell is he reading Drive C:?